By Mel Carriere
Oh the joys of the Magic Kingdom! Oh to be a child again and marvel at the wonders of Mainstreet, USA; to absorb the awe inspiring sights, sounds and smells brought to us by the immortal Walt Disney and his successors that so enrich and invigorate our otherwise colorless lives.
Wait a minute, there is a catch. In order to keep life interesting for the rest of us pathetic street urchins; to make sure that the parks, the movies, and the toys continue to enhance our dull existences and keep the stodgy, overstuffed members of the Disney board room fat and happy at the same time, certain sacrifices have to be made. Perish the thought that Disney employees expecting reasonable wages should get in the way of your Magic Kingdom Miracles, so every now and then the bottom line must be swept clean of pricey American employees and replaced by less demanding, more desperate foreign workers imported into the country via H-1B visas.
In 2014 approximately 250 Disney employees were laid off and replaced by foreign H-1B workers, who, to add insult to injury, were forced to train these newbies before being given the heave-ho. Disney made this tough move so that you can continue to high five and hug Mickey Mouse and Goofy as they make annoyed faces at you behind their stuffy costumes - and so that sweet Disney-dedicated mothers who wish they had given birth to girls can continue to traumatize their male offspring by having their pictures made with virtual Tinkerbells landing in their unwilling hands while Cinderella's girlish castle looms in the background; photos these boys pray their friends will never see but Mom will make sure to hang in a prominent place in the living room forever.
In honor of Disney's executives making these terrible, hand-wringing decisions so that you and the oversized goons on your Rugby team can continue to try and sink the tiny Small World boat on an annual basis, I have rewritten the words of a few legendary Disney songs for the occasion. I hope my tribute will linger as sweetly in your memories as the originals did. Here's hopin'!:
Sing this one to the tune of When you Wish Upon a Star as you think lovingly back upon that day when Rishi first appeared in your cubicle and told you to shove off - Oh, but could you please teach him everything you knew first, in slow, broken English please.
When you wish upon a star
You will soon live in your car
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams get screwed
Indians on H-1B
Have turned up with your office key
Your next stop is the EDD
Just train them first
Hindus, Sikhs in funny hats
Punjabi with prayer mats
Make room for our cricket bats!
Get out, you're through!
When you wish upon a star
Your replacement comes from lands afar
When you wish upon a star
You'll eat cat food!
Remember those jolly old seven dwarfs? They certainly never griped about low wages and bad working conditions. Here's a rendition of the jaunty "Heigh-ho" from Snow White that honors their commitment to toil away in the tunnels so that already filthy rich people can play golf all day. Note: I have replaced the dwarf whistles with words so adjust the tune accordingly.
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's off to work we go
Got a H-1B, I work practically free
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
American workers move too slow
They want crazy pay to sit on their butts all day
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
My pay is scary low
But in a hole I live with 6 cute relatives
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho
I think you get the point now - if you don't I'm not sure I really want you to, so I will spare you any more of my sophmoric attempts at verse. If you are one of those unfortunate former Disney employees replaced by an H-1B, however, I will offer a few comforting words in closing, if that's any consolation. Maybe all you really need is just a Mary Poppins "Spoonful of Sugar" to help that bitter medicine go down; you should probably get used to living on the "Bear Necessities," and if you do have a complaint you feel you really need to voice, thinking your Congressman might care, perhaps you are better off to do like Elsa did and just "Let it Go."
I think you get the point now - if you don't I'm not sure I really want you to, so I will spare you any more of my sophmoric attempts at verse. If you are one of those unfortunate former Disney employees replaced by an H-1B, however, I will offer a few comforting words in closing, if that's any consolation. Maybe all you really need is just a Mary Poppins "Spoonful of Sugar" to help that bitter medicine go down; you should probably get used to living on the "Bear Necessities," and if you do have a complaint you feel you really need to voice, thinking your Congressman might care, perhaps you are better off to do like Elsa did and just "Let it Go."
More on unsavory Disney practices at Amazon:
The Latest by Mel on Hub Pages About the Denver Airport Conspiracy
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Photo by: Veryhuman, licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license. Located at https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Disney_Orlando_castle_at_night.JPG
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