By Mel Carriere
Did California Governor Jerry Brown get his nickname "Moonbeam" when he still had hair? I decided to investigate this important public policy issue, because when Jerry scowls down at me from the top of his lofty ivory tower I get the full lunar shine from the top of his bald dome. Therefore, I definitely can understand how the nickname applies today. Question is, did the folks who gave him the moniker back in 1978 do so because of his follicle impairment, or for other reasons?
Questions like this need answering, if we're ever going to get out of this damn drought.
Moonbeam is not amused. He is never amused. He is damned pissed off. The drought is pissing him off, and the fact that people who are obviously not as intelligent as he is and haven't spent "a million hours" studying the drought like he has (Jerry's own words), dare criticize him on his drought policy pisses him off too. I understand.
Wait a minute. I brought a calculator. One million hours is 41,667 days. 41,667 days is 114 years. Jerry Brown has been thinking about the drought since 1901. This makes sense, because when Moonbeam was born in 1901 his shiny baby bald head had reason to start thinking about the drought immediately upon exiting the birth canal. That year, it turns out, San Francisco, California, the city where Jerry was born, had a total rainfall about 2 inches lower than average. No wonder Jerry is governor and I'm not. He hasn't stopped thinking about the drought, ever, and sometimes I stop to think about other stuff. I'm easily distracted, he's not.
For this reason I can perfectly understand why Jerry got a little bit peevish with the critics of his plan to build giant tunnels around the Sacramento-San Joaquin delta and to flip the giant bird at the bird advocates who are upset he reneged on his promise to set aside 100,000 acres for wetlands in exchange for the tunnels, instead handing over a mere 30,000 acres. With a very prissy, frustrated frown that you can see on the Internet, Jerry Brown told these impertinent, insufferable rabble rousers who expect politicians to keep their promises "...until critics have studied the problem for a million hours they should shut up, because you don't know what the hell you're talking about."
One thing the governor neglected to explain is whether each critic has to think about, or study the drought one million hours individually, or whether several critics can study it collectively and add up their hours together to equal one million. For instance, is it possible, and I'm just asking, please don't yell at me to shut the hell up Governor because I have a tender psyche - could maybe 1,000 critics think about the drought 1,000 hours apiece? This is an important point to clarify, because I know a lot of critics are already racing along with their drought thoughts right now on their way to 1,000,000 hours, and there's no way they are going to get there before those darn tunnels get built.
Instead of yelling back at the governor when he told the people to "shut the hell up," I was kind of surprised that he actually got a round of applause and a lot of lols from the audience. Obviously there were no critics in that crowd. None of those silly delta bird huggers in attendance. I was actually a little mad myself that there the Governor was, speaking down to us like we were subjects, not citizens, and when I started off with this blog I intended to write a raging, indignant manifesto criticizing Governor Jerry Brown and all of those fawning sycophants in attendance upon him. Then two things happened:
First of all, like I told you before, I did the math. Doing the math I figured out that if Jerry Brown was born in 1901, like he claims to have been, it is theoretically possible that he really has been studying the drought for one million hours.
Secondly, when I reached for my phone to make a note and spoke the words "Too many arrogant politicians and too many fawning sycophants is the problem with politics" into the voice transcriber I got strange results. The term "fawning sycophants" was changed by my phone to "bonding single fonts."
"Bonding single fonts" could indeed be the problem with politics, and here we have been missing this simple truth all along. The reason is because Moonbeam has spent every single hour of his life since his 1901 birth thinking about the drought, and hasn't had any time left over at all to consider the issue of "bonding single fonts." It's pretty easy to see that's why we're all in trouble, and we're all still damn thirsty.
Read more about Moonbeam in Mel's fantastic 2015 Voter Apathy Guide
The combustible mixture used in The Truth Bomb includes a generous portion of java from Starbucks and other evil corporate coffee conglomerates, and none of this is cheap. Therefore, unless the ads to the right and below completely annoy and offend you, please investigate what my sponsors have to say.
Image from: http://sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/2015/05/06/jerry-brown-tells-water-plan-critics-to-shut-up-because-you-dont-know-what-the-hell-youre-talking-about/